Nika Life Coach.

Anyone else wake up on Sunday morning and think about what they have to get done for the day? Writing it out like that just seems crazy – it’s supposed to be the day of rest. In many countries most stores are closed on Sundays, its Oprah’s soulful Sunday and instagram’s self-care Sunday. No one mentions “To-Do Sundays” – and yet, if you spend your Sundays doing no chores, not cleaning, not going to some function due to social obligations I would say you must be the Dali Lama because if you are human – 99% chance is you are working off your To-Do List with any free time you might have.

Most of the time we usually are working on what we must do. Even on a Sunday. Some of us write lists, others keep repeating the tasks in our head what, others use self-guilt – whatever it is, we all find ways to get stuff done. Life is full of chores and fun fact – you will never be fully free of things you have to do. You will need to brush your teeth, you will need to shower, you will need to feed yourself. Basics are tasks too. The goal is to find the balance between the things you need to do and the things you want to do. The have to is inevitable, so try to mix it with things that make you happy. Do chores with your loved ones, listening to your favourite music or podcast while cleaning, watch a TV show while ironing. Mix and match to not feel completely drained.

Yet sometimes we even go to the extent that we invent stuff to do. I often catch myself thinking “What else do I need to do?”. I know I’m not the only one when I talk to people around me. We are constantly thinking about what needs to be done and when we should do it with the limited free time we have. Instead of making sure in our free time we recuperate, we fill it with more energy draining tasks. Do we even know how to do nothing? People go on vacation and fill it with things to do. People can’t imagine meditating, or just waiting for the bus without checking their phones. I wait for the bus and think about what I can get done so I have less to do, by for example answering work emails, which just creates more email flow. Have we gotten to a point where we don’t know any more just how to be? In a society where functioning and delivering is a highly valued commodity, we fear being lazy, we fear not producing.

Perhaps its time though, to practice not adding to your To do List. Even machines need maintenance – take the time to give yourself some maintenance. You are your most valued commodity. What’s the worst thing that can happen, if for one Sunday, you just decide to do everything you felt like doing and nothing of what needs to be done?

Go on, give it a try and let me know what’s the worst thing that happened.

Purpose seems to be THE millenial word. Somewhere I read we are called the purpose generation – the first generation who care more than just having a day to day job with a good income. We have had the luxury to not grow up in times of strife, with parents who already had steady lives and were able to give us a comfortable, steady life. The last generation built a stable foundation. They got to enjoy the fruits of a growing economy and a long time of peace. And as humanity has this ever growing need of development – our generation has developed past this. We no longer care for ourselves and our families but look beyond. We are set, our loved ones are set, now how can we do more?

No wonder older generations have a hard time with that. They didn’t have the luxury to think beyond their immediate needs. Hence we should not feel bad for looking for purpose or say you want some more in your life. Being able to look beyond your existential needs is what the world is currently lacking. Yet – with such a globally accessible world, with so many problems, its hard to know where to start. And at the same time, you are still expected to live up to the basic expectations of society – job, income, stability and now on top of that you also strive for purpose and dare I say fulfillment?

Most try to combine the above – a job that gives you lots of income AND purpose. Yet – there are probably three of those in the entire world. You might find it – and if you do I would greatly salute you and tell you that its ok to develop and find something else after that. What drives our purpose may change over time. You are not bound to life to one purpose.

Its an ideal case and a dream to find a job with a good income and purpose. It really would be great if there were more of those jobs. But I will have to tell you – most of us won’t find it. The difficulty to find your purpose, but believing you should is what has caused our generation a lot of anxiety, pressure and depression. There is a pressure to always do better than the last generation – always do better than your parents. And then we put all the pressure on ourselves to do better and find a purpose and then there are such few jobs that can give us that – its a cocktail that can only lead to disappointment.

Many of us, and that I fear my generation doesn’t understand, will not be able to combine income and purpose that easily. We will have to do jobs that will not make many people happy, that will not have impact on many lives, endangered animals or the planet. But that doesn’t mean we have to be without purpose. Enter your purpose into your job. If you are in charge of printing – make sure to use recycled paper. If you are passionate about women’s issues – start a women’s club at work. And if your work doesn’t allow it – balance it with your free time. Volunteer at a dog shelter, volunteer at the suicide hotline from the comfort of your home, or start a blog. Be driven to action by your purpose, don’t let the lack of it drag you down. Its amazing you are looking for it and don’t forget, it can really change over time. It shouldn’t be an additional pressure but should be a joy in your life. If you can’t find something today – doesn’t mean its not right around the corner.

This morning I was reading an article in the New York Times about dropping your kids off to school (bear with me, this article is not about that topic). As many children start going to school, they are introduced to a new world of structure and obligation that they will be a part of hence forth. One of the things that really stuck with me in the article was the point about how draining the day might be for children because they are expected to always be “on” and that’s new to them. The honesty of that hit me because yes, we are always expected to be “on”. To participate in class, to deliver at work, to be social in our free time. Where does the expectation come from that we feel we always have to be “on”? Every second that we are outside of our house, we are deemed to be wanting to deliver.

My first assumption would be that when you are happy it means your life or you in a good place. In a place where you are able to give to others. Looking at it from that perspective, of course the world would want you in that capacity. Society is extremely functionally driven. When in a mental health class the instructor asked what does it mean to function in a society having a job and getting a paycheck were the first things mentioned. We see getting paid and paying taxes means you are an integral part of society. You play your role. The more you deliver at work, the more successful you will become. The more friends you have, the happier your life is. Everything is presumed to function on the ability of you to be able to give – your energy, your time, your

This leads to a dangerous fact – namely that it is not appropriate for people to be down, or sad, or just have a day where they don’t feel like delivering. Can you imagine getting called out in school and being like “I don’t feel like answering this question today I just feel low on energy”. Or at work asking to move a meeting because you don’t feel up for it and are worn out of being social? Its unimaginable. I wouldn’t have the guts, I would just say I am sick or pull it together. Which makes the world very black and white – either you are fully in and functioning to your max, or you are totally out of it.

The best approach would be to have it all more balanced. Do you find sometimes you start off the day on the wrong foot and by the afternoon you are full of energy again and ready to be social? Life is not linear, no matter how much we want it to be and comes with it ups and downs. You can be down, just as much as you can be happy. A life without any downs is not possible. Don’t even start with expecting that kind of life from yourself. Accepting that there are times you won’t feel like functioning, that there are times that you almost can’t is the first step to have a more balanced life. And that way you can save yourself some energy and not be drained by the end of the day like children after going to school on their first day.

The world is is full of toxins – pollution in the air, chemicals in clothing – yet the one that probably effects us more directly is other people. To define what toxic people are is rather difficult, the characteristics are as diverse as the people that come carrying it. Generally I would summarize toxic people in two simple symptoms:

1. They make you feel bad about yourself. Something they said or how they said it leaves you feeling bad about yourself, perhaps doubting yourself or thinking negative thoughts.
2. You leave them feeling drained. Rather than feeling it was a good encounter, you feel used and low on energy.

Sounds familiar? I would say each one of us has this in our lives, or perhaps had it in our lives at one point. If it was a hobby and it made you feel that way- you would give it up. So why do we keep toxic people in our lives and secondly, why is it so hard to get rid of them? Here are some theories I have gathered:

The Social Factor

These days the sheer amount of friends you have seems to be a driving motivation in keeping people around that might not be of service to you. How many likes you have, how many experiences, how many followers or friends on facebook, this all determines your value in society. Quantity seems to play a higher value than quality. People you did stuff with, people you have made experiences with, that’s all that matters. Not the discussions and talks you have had or how you lifted each other up. Its more important to show that you are a functional, popular participant of society, since this is what determines your place in it. Or so it’s believed. “That’s why I believe we keep toxic people in our lives. They usually bring some other value, so you focus on that. For example they are your active friend who’s always doing stuff, or the friend who joins you for concerts” says my friend Jimmy. I guess we weigh out the pros and cons, and decide the toxicity is worth it.

The – They bring out the worst in me and I like it – Factor

In psychology they speak about three types of friendships – you are either friends with people who you deem as better than you, to constantly work on yourself to become better, people who are your equals or you have people around you who are not doing as well as you so you feel better about yourself on a continuous basis. I found this a little hard to understand, so I asked my friend Jacky to elaborate: “I think people keep toxic friends around cause they make toxic behaviors acceptable, like comparison, recklessness, disregarding relationships etc”. “Its hard to recognize them because toxic people usually comfort those bad behaviors you have yourself”. In other words, its like that girl or ex you stay friends with on social media just to see how they are doing and feel better about yourself because you are convinced you are doing better. A sort of feeling good about something negative. We all do that. We meet people and after we think: Wow am I better off than they are. A sort of very unhealthy pep talk.

The Not Notice Factor

Often when I talk to people, I don’t realize in the moment that they are toxic. But after I find myself pondering over why they said certain things or I ask myself why I am feeling down after I saw them. It only hits me later that perhaps their intentions were not coming from a good place. I tend to think people don’t mean no harm, that their negative behaviors come from insecurities that were brought upon them because life is hard, so I don’t go around assuming people mean ill. But it still has the same effect on me, toxic is toxic no matter if the person notices they are being toxic. Generally you should surround yourself with people that motivate you to be better, not make you feel drained and immobile.

The – They are Family or Coworkers – Factor

After asking around and causing a lot of bewilderment in the people around me, my friend Jay simply pointed out that a lot of people are toxic and we can’t avoid them. Simple as that. Family might even be easier to avoid than co-workers you have to see every single day. Like pollution – there’s just not much you can do about it.

So what can you do about it?

For one, avoid avoid avoid. I know negative comparison (They bring out the worst in me and I like it – Factor) might feel like its making you feel better – but its really not. Anything that comes from a negative space will not make you feel better in the long run – and won’t help bring out the best in you. Rather learn to accept that sometimes you have behaviors that are perhaps not explanatory – but that you are human and comparison, jealousy and other less ideal behaviors are just a part of you (hmm might make my next blog post about that). If you can, avoid the toxic people. You cannot change them and they will do you no good.

If you can’t avoid the people, because perhaps they are your co-workers, try to focus on how you are when you are around them. Whatever your protection strategy is – either being mindful and focusing on the emotions that arise inside, making jokes to deflect the situation, or put up a wall – do what you need to do to protect yourself. Just because someone else has issues with themselves does not give them the right to make you feel less worthy or used. You are not here to carry their luggage.

Adjusting Ice Cube’s lyrics to this situation: Protect yourself before you wreck yourself.

Just like anything, too much of something is never good. That doesn’t just count for sugar, shopping and alcohol but also for human emotions. Too much anger, or jealousy can be a negative influence in your life to the point it hinders you from living a fulfilled life. Yet a little bit of jealousy, could be a driver for you to take action and enforce a change you need. It can help you reflect about things you may have not before – a mirror that is forced upon you. For example if you do want to finally quit a job that may not be paying you well, or you do want to go to Paris on vacation or even that you want to start dealing with your family issues. It can force a reflection in your life that you may have not been driven to otherwise.

At the same time, a complete lack of jealousy doesn’t sound too good either (just like a lack of sugar, shopping or alcohol in my case). It might perhaps highlight that you are not surrounding yourself with things or people that challenge you and inspire you to do better. We could all use a little nudge to help us live an easier life as life continuously brings challenges, doubts and issues with it. Learning from other people and being driven to improve or change could be a massive aid in figuring life out.

It’s easier to do something when you are forced to do it externally. Hence why people have personal trainers or the tax authority. Jealousy of another person can act as that driver. The general definition I found most interesting online was that jealousy is the feeling evoked when someone seems better off than you. You see something better than what you have – you look for ways to get it. I guess a kind of comparison comes into play, which can be a dangerous field. Often it can lead into a helpless cycle. Try shifting your thoughts, don’t go about it as “Why don’t I have what they have” but rather “Why do I want what they have and why haven’t I worked on getting it?”.

As of now, all I have listed are good things about jealousy – improvement, growth, things turning out for the better. If it’s such a good driver – then why does jealousy have such negative connotations? Why is it so frowned upon? Because a) it’s a negative/ painful feeling and b) it doesn’t often lead to action. That is because we are told it is a negative thing. We are not taught “Oh you feel this way? Do something about it!”. Instead we are told not to feel it. Often even worse, we do not address it, with others or even ourselves. I’ve even heard it being called an ugly emotion. Jealousy makes you ugly. Yet I would argue that there is no good kind or bad kind of jealousy.  Just like there is no good kind of happy or bad kind of happy. It’s just another emotion and does not need to get judged. Perhaps if we learned to navigate or manage this emotion in a sense that it helps us do better and be better, it would indeed be quiet helpful. It could be an asset to get to know yourself from another angle and lead to action about it. Listen to it as if it was someone else’s voice and ask yourself what you are actually trying to tell yourself. Therefore I ask you, just like any emotions that arise, accept jealousy without judging yourself.